I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
