I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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