so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
