when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
