I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
