I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
