Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
