just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
