Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
