It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
