if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
