I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
