he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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