If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
