last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
