Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
