I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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