What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
