Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
