Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
