Everything about him screamed your future.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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