she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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