I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
