If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
