Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
