tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
