Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
