if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
