For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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