Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
