my mouth tastes like poor choices
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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