The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
