I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
