I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
