The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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