the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize