Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
