is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
