Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
