I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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