God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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