If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
