The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
