Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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