Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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