Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
