i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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