shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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