Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Screwed.edu
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
