I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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